WHere?! Nomad Local Blog

“If I have an issue with something you do, I’ll tell you,” my friend said when I moved into his house. “And if there’s something you don’t like about what I do, feel free to tell me,” he said confidently.

“Setting boundaries was one of the most difficult things I had to learn before I started traveling. Boundaries are important, and I didn’t know how to set them. I thought that to accept people, I had to tolerate certain behaviors or actions. I thought it was part of being tolerant.”

At the same time, I thought that if people were tolerant of me, they had to do the same, and accept me as I was. And then we all respected each other. But I was really wrong.

Duality and the Diversity of Limits

The problem is that I often confused being part of a community with being part of a game of comforts and discomforts. Because when I did something I didn’t want to do because of social pressure, for example, drinking alcohol, it seemed like it was the right thing to do to belong to the group.

And if I did something that made people feel uncomfortable, like dancing (in Latino America), then it seemed like it was fine to make people do it. So it’s socially accepted in some Latin countries. But this dynamic only encouraged a lack of empathy on both sides and towards oneself.

“I often confused being part of a community with being part of a game of comforts and discomforts”

Setting limits is not only for other people but also for oneself. Sometimes when we want to do something that other people don’t want, respect is part of setting limits for oneself. Likewise, when we want to say no, neglecting is setting limits for ourselves. Even if it’s hard to say it in certain circumstances.

So we find in these situations different nuances of setting limits. For example, at one point of my journey, I was permissive. Once, I let a friend to take my time at his disposal. To help him move from his room, I took important time out of my day to support him. At the beginning it was not bad, as part of the service, which we have said is important during cultural trips.

However, this time I had already spent a lot of time helping him and I was beginning to feel overwhelmed. I was not setting limits for myself. So, with love and understanding, I told him sincerely that I was not comfortable with this situation. About not taking my time into account and that I didn’t feel comfortable.

And I ended by emphasizing that I loved him, and that’s why I had to set certain boundaries with him. So that our friendship wouldn’t be affected further. And in the end, he understood. He wasn’t aware of the situation because he hadn’t seen it that way, and he apologized.

Also in WHere?!: Discovering Strength and Opportunities: Lessons from Cultural Travel Volunteering in Macedonia

After those days, we didn’t talk much anymore, but when we see each other, we have a healthy friendship. We must understand that when we set boundaries, it’s not only an act of love towards others, but also towards ourselves.

And when there is trust and love, it’s easier to have the difficult conversations that help us get to know people better. All this through understanding their opinions and feelings. And you have to know that, if setting boundaries doesn’t improve the relationship, it’s healthier to finish it. In the end, we are not responsible for other people’s actions, but we are for our own.

Travel, Tolerate and Respect, values ​​of a good Backpacker

“We are going to make mistakes. We are going to fall and get up.” This is what I always tell my students; that making mistakes is a natural part of being human. And this also happens with backpackers. We are going to have moments when we don’t know when to set limits or when we are feeling intolerant.

There is a term in psychology called “Projection”, used since the 20th century by Freud. Basically this refers to the fact that when something bothers you about a person, it is actually an attribute that we ourselves have and that we don’t like about ourselves, either because we continue to do it, or because we know that it is part of our behavior and we haven’t resolved it.

For example, I am a person with a very loud voice, and sometimes it can very high. Also, in my past I used to shout a lot when I got angry, so when I hear someone raise their voice, it makes me uncomfortable. Who is it really the fault, the person shouting or me who is upset by it?

As I said before, we are not responsible for other people’s actions, but we are responsible for our own. And if I get upset, it is my responsibility. So feeling that way is a choice. Either I get upset or I work on it by looking for the origin and understanding what part of my life I need to change.

So if I am loud or want to get attention, I have to know how to regulate myself. Or if I yelled when I got angry, then I must also accept that part of my past and know that each person has their own process. And it’s fine whether they want to change that in their time or not. Each person has a different process. That is why, when traveling, we must respect and tolerate the processes.

“Also, in my past I used to shout a lot when I got angry, so when I hear someone raise their voice, it makes me uncomfortable”

However, we won’t always know how to differentiate if we have to set limits or be tolerant, or sometimes both. Although it can help us to ask ourselves the following question: “Is what affects me because of unresolved issues in my life, or is it intentionally affect me?”

Whether conscious or unconscious, always talking about these things with respect and love will be the best way to seek peace in every relationship while traveling anywhere in the world or living in your own place.